Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Where The Mighty Ducks Are Now

And then he just came up to me in an alley and asked me
if I wanted to play for his hockey team.

Recently I was watching an Edmonton Oilers game, when I saw them pull off the patented Flying V. Seeing that brought back memories: Winning against the rich kids with the horribly unethical coach after being taught how to play hockey by my alcoholic coach. Then beating Team Iceland and their horribly unethical coach while my coach is more concerned with his image. Then rejecting the first good coach I’ve ever had, only to realize that he is actually good, and beating the Varsity team with an unethical and stupid coach.


Ok, maybe that’s The Mighty Ducks trilogy, but my parents didn’t love me enough to sign me up for peewee hockey. If they did, I’m fairly confident that’s how it would’ve gone. But enough about a HoF career that could’ve been. Lets talk about the real deal. The Mighty Ducks. Well into their NHL careers with brand new identities (I imagine because the shame of a third team in California). Some are doing better than others. You may be wondering who these players are but fret not. After some very careful scouting and many late nights of research I’ve uncovered their new identities.     



Adam Banks - Sidney Crosby
“Hi I’m like the best player ever, have 0 personality, and I don’t really care what’s going on. I just want to play hockey.” Nice try Banks but you're not fooling anyone.


Charlie Conway - Patrice Bergeron
Charlie really took that defensive play first to heart after his High School career. But honestly all jokes aside: Could it have been anyone else?

Russ Tyler - Zdeno Chara
Russ had a bit of a growth spurt. He also took some serious effort to change his look after a stint at a burger joint he’d probably like to forget. The only thing he decided to keep was a legendary slap shot.

Fulton Reed - Dion Phanuef 
Fulton really made some improvements in his game after changing his identity: stayed physical, improved learned how to skate, and even started trying to hit the net. Then he realized he could just get traded to the Leafs and he wouldn’t have to do any of that stuff.

Dean Portman - John Scott
Brought in as a ringer to match up with a historically tougher rival; he may have been 30 when he showed up in the last 3 minutes of the Varsity vs JV game to beat some kid up, but he hasn’t aged a bit since when he used to do that with the Ducks.

Julie “The Cat” Gaffney - Cory Schneider
(S)He took this new identity probably even more seriously than Russ Tyler, but (s)he still seems to be backup because we are all just too used to the other guy, only to finally be put in at the last minute for literally the most important part of the season.  Come to think of it, once (s)he got the starting gig the old starter tried to sabotage her by getting her out of shape, but I’m sure all those “Congratulations on getting the starting job” cakes from Luongo are because he's happy for him(er).

Greg Goldberg - Roberto Luongo
The good news is he finally got that starting gig back from “The Cat” for a bit. The bad news is he never did outgrow that irritable bowel syndrome...
Dwayne Robertson - Patrick Kane
Mr. Magic Hands has come a long way with his accent but still loves to be a show off with the puck. And it all makes sense if you watch that deleted scene in D3 where he beats up a cab driver, because remember that time Patrick Kane beat up a cab driver and we all make jokes about it... I’m really running low on material here aren’t I?

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